Journey from Pain

by Alex Pfeiffer

Act I:  Pain

I remember all too well the day my back "went out" for the first time.  I had just turned 26 years old and was in my sixth year as a professional Software Engineer.  In my workouts at the gym, having a beer with my friends, and sitting at work, I noticed my lower back was a little sore, so I started taking it easy for a while.  I didn't think much of it because it just seemed like a normal post workout soreness.  One morning after a night out, I awoke to a nasty pain in my lower back confined to an area about the size of a quarter.  After a couple hours of work, the pain was shooting down both legs, and by noon I had to leave work.  I could hardly sit still or walk.

I went home early and immediately made an appointment at the clinic where I was stared at, poked at, and talked at.  "It'll go away or you'll have back problems for the rest of your life, back pain is not really curable." - I was told.  They also said that posture doesn't appear to make a difference.  The doctors sent me home with muscle relaxants.  The drugs were totally useless; their only effect was to turn me into a stuporous version of the local idiot.   As soon as the effects wore off, I immediately flushed the pills down the toilet.  This was the solution?  It did nothing for my back or pain. I felt hopeless and quite depressed.  I was a young man in the peak of life stuck with an apparently "incurable" pain I would live with for fifty or more years.  I could hardly walk or sit still.  I sobbed and screamed that night over the toilet.  That moment marked the beginning of an intense quest for relief.  

My first approach was the only one that I knew:  the conventional medical approach.  Although I, like many others, bought into the myth that anything is curable by the right pill, I began to question that assumption.  How was it that a chemical would know what to do with my back?  It started to seem like more like a mythic fairy tale than a wondrous modern marvel.  On the first visit to my doctor, a sports medicine specialist, I was told that I had back pain either because "human beings were not designed to stand upright" or because "human beings were not designed to live this long."  What?  I thought.  I was only 26!  You mean I'm not supposed to walk on two feet?  We're all doing this mobility thing wrong?  I stared at my hands after he left the room trying to imagine the "natural" motion of crawling across sidewalks, at work, and home.  I thought that maybe he didn't really know the answer, so he was, like many in a position of authority, just making up explanations like a child makes up alibis about the cookie jar.  Maybe he was repeating something he heard from somewhere else.  I kept quiet about any objections I was having.  After all, I didn't really know the answer myself, did I?  I didn't want to make him angry.  I was in pain and he was my only hope out of it.  

When the doctor returned to the room, he sent me to a physical therapist who gave me a set of useless exercises.  The exercises were also costing me about 3 hours per day.  I stuck with it for months despite no signs of improvement.  I was repeatedly told that I had to make my abs and back strong so I could powerfully stabilize and keep my back still.  I was even asked to buy a brace to help with this and strapped to a table where I felt like a victim in the Spanish Inquisition.  I wasn't sure what it was I was supposed to confess.  My back was still in constant pain, it regularly "went out" shooting pain down my legs and into my head.  When the pain was at its worst, I was told that I was possibly developing a bulging disk.  The doctor added that if I had to see him or the physical therapist too often in such pain, they would send me to surgery.  This ultimatum was compelling and I drew the only conclusion I could - I would never see either of them again.

On a whim sent to me by an old roommate, I tried yoga.  For the first time, something I tried was working.  The yoga was not getting rid of all my pain, nor did the relief always last 24 hours, but unlike the entire medical route, unlike other exercise:  It was helping!  And things seemed to get better over time.  Each week of yoga, I was in less pain, less intense, for less time.  I seemed to be finally getting somewhere.  I was on track to controlling my pain.  For the first time, I was hopeful.

Driving down the road one day after yoga class, I saw a chiropractic office.  "Surely," I thought, "if a chiropractor could help me, the doctors would have recommended it.  That is their job:  to direct you to the specialist who does what you need."  I had no idea what chiropractors did or why they did it.  I remembered a couple of friends who visited them.  Their descriptions of "cracking" and "adjustment" still didn't really make sense to me.  I could "crack" myself couldn't I?  Did I need a chiropractor?  The more I thought about it, I decided I had nothing to lose.  Perhaps there was more to this chiropractic thing than I realized.  I decided I would find out for myself.  I quickly made an appointment with Dr. Kaaren Paras.

Kaaren was very friendly and happy to help.  After she gave me a few adjustments my pain had gone away completely in only a couple days.  Wow!  I thought.  Finally, I have done something smart.  This is amazing!  It's incredible!  I felt like dancing everywhere I went.  I wondered why I was not recommended to a chiropractor by any doctors in the first place.  This brought  me to question many other assumptions in the Western medical model as well.  I wanted to understand how this had happened:   It seemed ridiculous that so many people like me could be in pain out there, yet be unable to be guided to an actual - and very available - solution.  Why is it not common knowledge that physical alignment is vital?   What is the paradigm of the medical establishment and why are certain options invisible to it?  What is the more inclusive paradigm and how does it sort out the best option for the scenario of a patient, with a particular type of problem at a particular time.  These kinds of questions would eventually lead me to looking into more integral approaches.

The yoga began helping even more.  In combination chiropractic care and yoga worked quite well.  If I missed an adjustment, pain would find me.  If I missed too much yoga, pain would find me, but using them both together I was pain free.   Through the process of asking endless questions about my chiropractic care and immersing myself in the practice of yoga, I began to see how the body seeks balance and alignment and why pain is a result when its structure is compromised.  I began to notice that my body would (apparently) spontaneously go out of alignment one to four days after an adjustment.  Once my body was out of alignment, I had two days before the onset of minor pain, four days before fair pain, and a couple weeks before acute pain.  

Knowing this, I would get adjustments as soon as I noticed my alignment thrown off.  The problem was that this meant I needed adjustments twice a week and my medical insurance wasn't even going to come close to covering that.  Through yoga and talking to Dr. Paras (who is blessed with a much broader mindset than most chiropractors I've ever come across) I immediately realized that the "spontaneous" misaligning was occurring because my muscle tissue was tight.  My adjustment would put the bones in alignment, then the chronically tight muscles would pull them right back out of alignment.  The body is not only bones.  As a matter of fact, bones have no ability to move or change shape on their own.  Only muscles and (as I would later discover) connective tissue do.  Any long term attempt of balancing the body would need to take this into account.             

Act II:  Journey

I had finally found a strategy to control my pain.  I was ever thankful to Dr. Paras and Bikram Yoga Madison.  The adjustments would set me, and the yoga would help the adjustments last, for a few days anyway.  While the journey to this point had been a product of running away (from pain), the next stage would be the opposite in nature.  I felt myself drawn to chase something.  What exactly I did not know, but I thought I would find it in yoga.  As often happens with our intuitions, my hunch was right, but the manner from which it would unfold would be completely paradoxical.  

In a move that baffled my family and many of my friends, I quit my engineering job so I could go to California and train in depth for yoga.  I was alive and excited by this new arena in my life.  Ten years working in the computer field made that particular future appear less than interesting, even if it was secure.  Off I went to Los Angeles to start a 500 hour training at Bikram's Yoga College of India.  

The watershed moment of the training came from a fascial anatomy class taught by Jon Burras.  Suddenly the interweave of soft tissue, bones, and their related effects on one another began to become very clear.  I was introduced to the roll of connective tissue and tensegrity in the body.  I knew this was the avenue to explore once I finished my training.  

Once back in Wisconsin, I began looking for every variety of connective tissue bodyworker I could find.  I looked up Rolfing, Hellerwork, NMT, and deep tissue myofascial massage (which wasn't deep enough) and began receiving treatments to see what each had to offer experientially.  I also began reading every book I could find on the myofascial (muscle + fascia) matrix to learn the nitty gritty of this kind of work.  By complete accident, I stumbled across Integral Bodywork™.  One of the myofascial massage workers I found on the web had an old address listed.  When I went to the location of my appointment, this woman wasn't there, but Sonya Barton was.  She did something called Integral Bodywork™ that sounded similar to what I'd been looking for... like something I would want to try.  I made an appointment for the next week.

My first session of Integral Bodywork™ was arguably the most intense lying down two hours of my life.  Some of it hurt like hell, but by the end of the session, I knew that this was exactly what I had been looking for.  The feeling of energy flying around my body, the beauty of the birds singing, the spontaneous joy, and the freedom in my movement were beyond amazing.  I saw a Rolfer 3 more times just to make sure that my session one experience wasn't just an accumulation of doing the other bodywork styles.  When I went back to Integral Bodywork™, my initial gut feeling was confirmed.  This was it.  Integral Bodywork™ is the real deal.

I had nothing bad to say about the other bodywork styles, especially Rolfing, but they simply did not compare whatsoever in magnitude to the power of Integral Bodywork™ especially in getting into the emotional body (emotional release) and subtle energetic body, but also in depth in the physical body too.   Within a few sessions, I no longer required chiropractic care.  I was a little sad about it because Kaaren had been such a wonderful friend and often looked forward to seeing her, but our paths would cross again down the line.  I also began to see my yoga practice go new places.  Not just physically, but mentally and in terms of subtle energetic awareness.  This new awareness would soon drive me to regular meditation and energy work. 

Still pretty fresh from yoga training, my next move was to train in Integral Bodywork™.  It was definitely a big step, but my hunger was an intense one to keep learning.  This was getting far beyond my personal condition which was in very good shape by now.  I could have even gone back to a desk job, but I wanted to understand this myofascial puzzle inside and out, not just as a book does, but how this actually works with real people with real pain - wisdom as intuition understands it.  It bothered me that so many people have been bothered by chronic pain while so few find out what its really about.  I wasn't going to stop.    

Act III:  Integration

After finishing my training and certification, I began working with Sonya via trades.  I could not have asked for a better person to work with.  She was incredibly helpful and gave great guidance after my training.  Our applications and adventures after learning some in depth postural analysis from Paul St. John were particularly rewarding.  I silently thank her for her gifts to me on many, many days.  

I now found myself in the situation of having an understanding and skill that could help many people.   Integral Bodywork™ and yoga could really help people in physical pain.  Both of these modalities go far beyond physical pain if the person is willing.  Neither forces it upon a person, but both will help the physical and go beyond it;  help the emotional and go beyond it;  even, when one is ready, help with the torment of the mind and go beyond it.  Both can help create a spaciousness and well being that weaves through the entire bodymind.  Yoga and Integral Bodywork™ are truly integral (inclusive, holistic, embracing multiple paradigms).

A person may only get their back fixed or their physical pain reduced in this work, but even "only" that is important.  Pain can destroy who you are:  your personality and passions.  There's lots of pain and suffering out there, and many are not even aware of the methods out there that could help them.  I hope they find this website or some other resource that will guide them to help.  Integral Nest may not be the only resource that can help, but I know it can be of momentous help where solid, effective help is in short supply.

Whether you just want to get rid of pain, improve your current practice of yoga, dance, meditiation, subtle energy work, emotional work, want to try something different, or just want to feel better, if you are looking for an effective method, I look forward to working with you.  Every reason for trying is equally valid.  Transformation sits dormant in our blocked areas of being, waiting to bring life into the flow state that is our natural order . 

No person should have to quit their job and go on the long trek that I did to find out what can help them and why.  I've been on that trip and enjoyed nearly every day of it.  Amazing people have supported me and spurred me on:  Kaaren, Jon, Sonya, Everett, and my family at Bikram Yoga Madison to name a few.  I've tried to organize this web page with articles, descriptions, and testimonials that will be useful to you.  Integral Nest is the portal where I bring my experience to you so that you can have that critical event to spur your own journey toward your hopes of reduced pain, peace, freedom, and well being.  

If you think this might be the next step on your road, please contact me (or call ).  We'll work together and learn from one another to uncover what is currently getting in your way.  

2005, Alex Pfeiffer